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Mystical Slayers Theatre 3000!

Featuring: NEWS FLASH! Nepha the Preppy Princess!

Mystical Slayers Theatre 3000
Today's Featured Fic: NEWS FLASH! Nepha the Preppy Princess!

Chorus singing to MST3K theme...:
In this present placing, somewhere in time and space. ChibiJaime's alter-egos are caught in an endless chase.
Persued by the woman who wrote them all, an evil gal who's 5'7" tall.
She stuffed a few things in her bag, and with her magic pen she hunts them through her fics and funny gags! (Jaime: I'll get yoooooooooou!)

Jaime: I'll make them read my fanfics, all the ones I write.
They'll have to sit and read them all with no chance of escape in sight!

Chorus: Now keep in mind, they can't control where the fanfics begin or end.
They'll have to keep their sanity without killing all their frieeeeends! (Chara Role Call!)

Lina! (Dragon Slave!)
Gourry! (Hikari O!)
Zel and Nepha! (What a couple!)
Xellooooooooos! (HENTAI MASOCHIST!!)

Chorus: If you're wondering what they're doing there, or other odd-ball facts,
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a fic, I should really just relax!"
For Mystical Slayers Theatre...3000!

Lina: Gods, I can't believe you're putting us through this!

Jaime: You're the ones who agreed to read this, Lina. Where's the rest of our crew?

*Zel stumbles in, half-awake, with a pair of shorts and a tank-top obviously pulled on in a rush. Nepha is beside him, wearing an oversized flannel shirt.

Jaime: *blink* You two think you could get decent?

*Zel takes one look down and almost leaps out of his boxers.

Zel: HOLY SHYTE!! *grabs Nepha's wrist and pulls her off to the bedroom... time passes, and the two return* There we are.

Jaime: Much better.

Lina: But where are Gourry and Xellos?

Jaime: Shhhhhh!!!! Don't mention... *is glomped by the purple haired priest* him...

Xellos: Konnichiwa, Jaime-chan!

*Gourry wanders in, looking clueless as ever.

Jaime: *throws a purring Xellos into the far wall, only to have him phase back in next to her* Ok... let's start this fic!!

Hey! It's me, Lina Inverse! Wow, things are really going great! We finally beat Rezo, lost Amelia, and we've continued on our way! Zelgadis has gone, he's on his own now, and I wonder what's happened to him.

Zel: With any luck, I'll never see you again.

Right now, we're on our way to the kingdom of Feli. Sounds like great fun, don't it?

Nepha: Not unless you think cleaning up dragon droppings in a smelly stable is fun.

I can't wait to see this place! Feli is supposed to be huge!!
Xellos: Feli? No... Now, Naga's chest... THERE is something to be called huge! *gets bapped by Jaime*

Jaime: ...Baka.

Oh, enough of this history lesson. Let's get this show on the road!

Lina: Gods save us. I sound like a six year old.

NEWS FLASH! Nepha the Preppy Princess!

Gourry: What was the plot again?

Lina: Nevermind, Gourry...

It had been a while since the death of Zolf and Rodimus, and the defeat of Shabranigdo was far behind. Zelgadis Graywords was walking down a beaten path solemnly, his sad blue eyes focused on the ground in front of him.

Zel: O_O;;; I do NOT have sad blue eyes!

"Strange, how things work out," he stated quietly. "After everything, I am alone again. I never thought my life would be this way, not even after Zoey and I. . ."

Xellos: Old flame, Zel?

Zel: T_T;;; Shut up.

He stopped, looking up. Several knights from the kingdom of Feli, cat-like creatures called Felinics, stood before him. Each one had swords (though that wasn't what Zelgadis feared), and an apparently powerful wizard stood before them. The wizard, however, wasn't Felinic, but human.

Jaime: He was the spokesman for Hair Club for Felinics!

"There he is!" said one guard.

"Yes, that is him," stated the wizard in a monotone voice. "That is Zelgadis Graywords."

Zel: *as the wizard* Hello. I'm Ben Stein.

Zelgadis took a step back, his eyes narrowed and his sword drawn.

"Who are you?" he growled. "What do you want from me?"

Xellos: *evil grin* Kinky...

Lina: Oh, you are SICK.

"My name is Vrumugun. We are going to take you back to Sairaag. There, someone waits for you," answered the wizard.
Gourry: And there, you shall get laid.

All: Gourry?!

"Over my dead body!" snapped the chimera. He held out his hand, which glowed with energy. "FIREBALL!!"

He leapt out of the way as the ball of fire struck the ground in front of his attackers. Then, he ran.

All: *singing* Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

*Why are you running, Zelgadis?!* he asked himself, sprinting at almost his top speed. *Oh yeah. . .wizard. . .black arts and shamanistic magic DON'T mix. . .always wondered how Rezo kept those powers from contradicting each other. . .that Vrumugun probably could've killed me. . .*

Zel: *acting like a stupid version of himself* The voices in my head tell me what to do if I listen...

He continued running, not knowing where he was headed, knowing that if he stopped, he could be killed. Even though he knew he had lost them, he kept running. No use stopping now. . .

Nepha: Don't you EVEN crack a wise remark, Mazoku, or I will choke you with my own tail.


"Hey, Gourry?" questioned Lina Inverse, stretching as she walked next to the tall swordsman.

"Yeah?" Gourry Gabriev said in response.

"Ever wonder what happened to Zelgadis?" Lina asked.

Lina: Enjoying your shameless foreshadowing?

Jaime: Immensely.

Lina: *nods sarcastically* Thought so.

Gourry nodded. Suddenly, a blur ran out of the woods. It slammed into Lina, and stopped when it heard her shocked cry.

Jaime: Readers may take that however they like.

Xel: Why don't WE try that after the fic, Jaime-chan?

Jaime: Touch me and you DIE, baka...

"What the. . .?" Gourry stammered in shock.

Gourry: Hey, I knew what happened! Zel r--*Lina clamps her hand over his mouth*

Lina: Even IF this is your first time being 'smart', SHUT UP!

Lina rubbed her head after she sat up, thinking hard.

*There's only one thing _I_ know of that could run into you that fast and feel like a boulder,* she thought, her head still spinning. *Zelgadis!*

Nepha: Brilliant deduction, Lina.

Lina: T_T;;; Gee, thanks.

She looked up, finding the chimera in mention. He was breathing heavily, on the brink of collapsing, hands on his knees and head down. It was obvious he had been running for quite a while.

"L...Lina. . ." he stammered. "Thank. . .thank the gods I found you," he breathed. "I. . .I. . ."

Jaime: I LOVE YOU!

Zel: I would hit you for that, but you're not worth my time.

Zelgadis fell to his knees, still struggling to catch his breath. He felt a horrid pain in his chest, like someone was ripping his lungs and heart out with their bare hands. He had no idea how long he had been running, he only knew he had been.

Gourry: If he thought running was hard, wait until he meets up with Nepha...

"Zel, what happened?!" cried Lina, shocked that Zelgadis was this tired, since he rarely got worn down. "Are you okay?"

Lina: "Since he rareley got worn down"?

Jaime: I was having a slight case of writer's block, so sue me!

"I. . .I'll be fine. . ." Zelgadis whispered, clutching his chest. His breath was coming back, but the pain in his chest remained. "I just. . .need to rest. . ."

With those words, he collapsed.

Zel: Am I okay? Oh, I don't know... a nice blood transfusion, an IV, CPR... I'll be fine in no time!


"Zelgadis? Hey, Zelgadis, wake up!"

Xellos: Just five more minutes, mom...

Lina was tapping Zelgadis's face, unsure if he actually felt it. Finally, the chimera opened his eyes and blinked.

"Ohhhh. . .my chest feels like someone just sliced it open. . ." he groaned.

Gourry: Is that physically possible?

Lina: With Mystic Blade or the Hikari no Ken, dipstick.

"What happened?" asked Gourry. "Why were you running?"

"Some strange wizard, named Vrumugun," Zelgadis answered, staring at the sky above. "He wanted to take me to Sairaag, and said someone was waiting there for me."

Nepha: *blink, looks at Zel* Is there something you're not telling me?

Zel: NO!!

"Yeah, we've met him," sighed Lina. "C'mon, let's get moving. Just in case the GOON patrol shows up again." She smiled a little. "We're on our way to the kingdom of Feli right now."

Zelgadis nodded and stood, his strength returning to him as he felt the solid ground beneath his feet. Once again traveling with Lina? Ironic.

Jaime: Yeah. Ironic that he hasn's screamed, turned tail, and ran yet.


In Feli, things were going pretty much like they usually would. Royal processions, suitors coming to see the Princess, that sort of thing.

The princess, however, was less than pleased with the suitors there to try and win her hand.

Nepha: Less than pleased? I was downright disgusted!!

Princess Nepha Elonsa of Feli, a young half-Felinic, wasn't about to marry just any man who came along. She was waiting for someone special. . .the true holder of the Mystic Blade. But we won't get into that now.

Lina: Thank the gods.

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion. Nepha was sitting in her bedroom in the castle. She looked out to see a large hoarde of soldiers from their neighboring and enemy kingdom, Kani. Jumping to her feet, she called down the steps.

"Guards!!" she yelled. "Guards, quickly! Kanics are attacking the city!!"

Gourry: They are?

Jaime: T_T;;; Just read...

She looked back out the window as her pet tapii, Joko, jumped into her arms and chirped.

"We'll stay here, Joko, where it's safe," she told it. "At least, I hope we will. . ."

Xellos: Hope you'll what? Stay? Be safe? Oh, please be safe... We don't need any kittens running around anytime soon...


Xellos: O_O;;; Sorry...


"Oh, my God!" Zelgadis exclaimed. "What's happening here?"

Jaime: *as Zel* I think a broke a nail!

Zel: *growl* Watch it...

"Looks like someone's attacking Feli!" Lina cried. "Should we help?"

Nepha: If there's money involved, which there probably is, I'm guessing yeah.

"Well, of course we should," Gourry voiced. "The Felinics are a peaceful race. They could be killed off in this!"

All: *look at Gourry* Gourry: What?

Inside, the city was packed with Felinics trying to avoid the spells and swords of the attacking Kanics. Lina and Zelgadis instantly put their skills to use.

"Flare arrow!" shouted Lina, throwing a flaming arrow at a group of Kanics.

"Blam BLAZER!" growled Zelgadis, casting the spell at another group.

Xellos: Nice terminology.

Zel: So you can describe Lina's spell but not mine?

Jaime: Give me a good way to describe a Blam Blazer and I'll get back to you on that.

"There's no end to these guys!" Gourry cried as the Sword of Light cut through another Kanic.

"Zelgadis! You and Gourry get to the castle and get the royal family to safety. I'll handle things here!" Lina instructed.

Zelgadis nodded and ran off, Gourry following closely behind.

Nepha: Gourry was able to keep up?!

"Looks like the Kanics are already here," Zelgadis said, looking at the castle. He looked for a moment at the large, thick wooden door blocking their path. "I'll get us in."

Xellos: *snicker snicker giggle* Jaime: Hentai little masochist...

"I could cut through it. . ." Gourry tried to say.

Xellos: *laughter*

Nepha: *clamps a hand over Xellos' mouth* Continue.

"No time," Zelgadis interrupted.

The chimera lowered his head a little, closing his eyes. Then, he took off at his top speed, jumped, and slammed his shoulder into the door! It shattered like glass against his stone skin.

Zel: Ah... the glory -- NOT -- of being chimera...

"Nice job," chuckled Gourry.

Zelgadis hadn't heard. He had already entered the castle walls.

Lina: Ignoring people in 5 easy lessons, as taught by Zelgadis Graywords.


"The queen will pay a hefty ransom for this one," laughed a Kanic.

He and a few of his comrades were inside Nepha's room, and had the half-Felinic backed against a corner.

Zel: I hate to say it... but that could turn into a really good horror scene.

Nepha: That's it. You're sleeping on the couch...

Nepha's ears were laid flat against her head and her tail was fluffed as poofy as it could get. She was shaking, terrified. The door was closed, locked. There was no escape. . .

Suddenly, someone burst through the door, shattering it as if it had merely been glass or ice. That same person cast a Blam Blazer and obliterated the Kanics in the room.

Gourry: Round one to Zelgadis.

Nepha sat with her mouth agape and green eyes wide, her ears now perked and her tail swishing curiously. When the silver haired young man turned to her, however, she gasped in shock. A chimera!

"Who are you? What do you want?" she pleaded, still a little shaken from her encounter.

Xellos: *pushes Nepha's hand away* Isn't that gag getting a little old?

Jaime: *sigh* Only to YOU, Xellos...

"I'm here to save you," Zelgadis responded. He grabbed her wrist. "C'mon, follow me!"

As they ran into the hall, they realized they were blocked by a fire.

Zel: O_O;;

Jaime: *blink* I forgot that you were a pyrophobic, so sue me!!

"Oh, no. . ." groaned Nepha. "It's good that I gave Joko to Mom. . ."

Gourry: Gave what?

Lina: Nothing, Gourry...

When she least expected it, Zelgadis scooped her into his arms.

Jaime: Had they known each other longer, I could've turned that into a great lemon.

Zel and Nepha: O_O;;

"We're going to have to take another way out," he told her, then ran back into her room and kicked out the window!

"Are you mad?!" Nepha cried. "We're 11 stories up!!"

Lina: No. He's NOT mad. That fire scared the hell out of 'im.

"You'll be fine," Zelgadis told her.

As he jumped, Nepha managed to blurt:

"But what about you?!. . ."

Xellos: *to Zel* Always thinking of others first, ne?


Gourry, in the meanwhile, had managed to get Queen Arial Odema of Feli out, along with Nepha's tapii Joko.

"Oh, my daughter!" she cried worriedly, watching the burning tower. "I pray she got out safely!"

Gourry: No, she didn't get out. Zel kidnapped her.

Zel: Wouldn't THAT just ruin my reputation?

"I'm sure Zel got to her in time, your majesty," Gourry comforted with a smile. "Lina can handle that fire."

Jaime: And are we entirely sure that Lina wasn't the one who actually STARTED the fire?


Deep in the woods, Nepha was seriously objecting to the fact that Zelgadis was carrying her about.

"I will not tolerate being carried around like luggage by a chimera!!" shouted the young princess. "I demand you release me at once!"

Lina: This is gonna hurt...

"No problem," grinned Zelgadis with a hint of sarcasm.

He dropped his arms, in turn dropping Nepha. She landed hard, crying out, but instantly got back to her feet, fiery eyes shooting sparks at the grinning chimera.

Nepha: Why in the world would he do a thing like that?!

Xellos: You were being a stuck-up little priss, THAT'S why...

"Just who do you think you are, treating me like that?!" she growled. "Do you have any idea who I am?!"

Zel: *grin* Saucy little thing, arencha Nepha?

"I think -- no, I know I am Zelgadis, and my idea of you is that you are an overly pampered royal brat named Nepha who obviously can't accept the real world," stated Zelgadis. "Now, I'm only gonna tell you this once. Do not presume to order me around, unless you want me to leave you to those Kanics to use for ransom and destroy your kingdom. Understood?"

Gourry: Round two goes to Zelgadis too...

Nepha blinked, shocked. No one had ever talked to her like that. However, in the end, she nodded in comliance. It was him or death, and in her own mind, she was realizing that this guy wasn't that bad. . .

Lina: *jokingly narrating* She was actually realizing that he was a total babe and that she was falling in love with him.

Nepha: *T_T*;;; Button it, Lina...


"Zelgadis has been missing for hours now," sighed Lina, looking around. "Where could he be? I hope he and the princess weren't hurt."

Lina: And why do I care?

"Aw, they're probably fine," chuckled Gourry. "Zel's tough. You know he'd be able to fight his way out of just about anything."

Zel: ...Just about?

Lina sighed.

Lina: ...due to the absolute POINTLESSNESS of reading this fic.

"But I'm mostly worried about Princess Nepha. She could be hurt, or worse!" she countered. "I mean. . ."

Nepha: You think he'd hurt me?

Jaime: I do believe that was what she hinted at...

"Lina, stop thinking such bad things," Gourry interrupted, poking Lina's nose. "They'll be fine, I know it."

Gourry: Wow!

Lina: You knew something!


Nepha followed closely behind Zelgadis, her eyes focused on the back of his head. Every one of his features was easily recognizable. Midnight blue eyes, marble-like turquoise skin, stone plates that appeared to be made of blue-green granite breaking the smooth texture here and again. His hair was a silvery color, and a wire-like texture. He was quiet, and very calm. Much too serious.

Zel: I hate being cheerful. Nepha, I never knew you thought I was too serious.

Nepha: *long pause* I DON'T think that!!

"Um. . .Zelgadis, is it? I was wondering. . .you bear a slight resemblance to the Red Priest, Rezo," Nepha finally spoke up. "Are you, perhaps, related to him?"

Xellos: Oooooh! Bad thing to bring up, ne?

"He's my grandfather," responded Zelgadis quietly. "I never knew my grandmother well."

Nepha swallowed hard. Was there nothing she could say that could break this stifling silence? Her pure white ears laid back against her head, looking nervous. Zelgadis very quiet, a little too quiet for her own liking. It was nerve-wrecking.

Xellos: Put your sword against his neck or kiss him, that oughta do the trick.

Suddenly, Zelgadis' hand shot out, stopping Nepha mid-stride.

"What?" questioned Nepha. "What is it?"

Jaime: *as Zel* I've been thinking about you all day... I MUST KISS YOU!

Zel: You're as bad as Xellos!!

"We're surrounded," Zelgadis responded quietly. "Kanics."

Gourry: What did you think they were? Hylians?

He stood straight, drawing his sword and waiting. Finally, Kanics leapt from bushes in every direction. Nepha gasped in shock.

Xellos: *as Nepha* Gods, he really IS as big as I-- *CLUNK!!* x_x Jaime: *walks out of reading room and hands ChiChi her Frying Pan of Death, then reenters* I feel much better now.

"Oh, no!" she cried.

Zelgadis was, in a few minutes, a little surprised. As he fought off the Kanics, Nepha added in a lot as well. She was, in reality, a highly talented sorceress.

Jaime: Although other skills of hers could be better.

But not even that was enough. Some of the Kanics were highly skilled themselves. Then, when all seemed lost, the Kanics appeared to be put under a huge mind control spell! Zelgadis and Nepha lifted their heads to two figures walking out of the woods. Male and female, obviously identical twins. The taller of the two, the male, smiled faintly.

Zel: You didn't EVEN put him in this...

"I see you two are having some small problems," he stated.

Nepha raised a brow, but Zelgadis spoke.

"Who are you?" he questioned.

Lina: Xellos is right, that question is redundant.

The male twin chuckled a bit, then smiled just a little wider.

"Ah, you needn't worry about us. You can trust us. You see, I am Xellos, mysterious priest, and the girl with me is my twin sister, Xella, mysterious priestess," he responded, closing his eyes as he introduced he and his sister.

All, sans Jaime: SLAYERS NEXT RIP!!

Zel: Next paragraph!

"These Kanics shouldn't be causing you any more trouble," stated Xella, "for now."

She raised a free hand, the other holding a staff, and snapped her fingers. They Kanics lifted their heads a little and walked off into the foliage, back towards their own kingdom. Nepha looked at them.

Lina: *as Nepha* A foursome? Cool. *gets hit with a brick* Nepha: Shut up!

"You're a priest. . .and a priestess? Twins, right?" she questioned.

"Correct," Xellos responded with a curteous bow. "We are, in fact, identical twins."

Gourry: As if we couldn't tell that from the fact that you actually look identical...

"Why did you help us?" Zelgadis growled lowly.

"We'd hate to see a fellow grandchild of a priest be killed," Xella said. "All in all, I'd say we did well."

Zel: NANI?! Those two masochists are related to a priest?!

"Come, Xella," Xellos suddenly said, his face oddly grim. "We shouldn't linger in the open for too long."

Xella nodded, then followed her brother into the shadows.

Zelgadis blinked.

". . .Okay. . ."

Lina: Anyone who thinks that scene right there made no sense whatsoever say 'aye'.

J, G, Z, N, L: AYE!

Xellos: x_X


Gourry was pacing now as they waited for word from their chimera friend and the princess he was with.

"I hope HE didn't decide to use her for ransom!!" he stated.

Zel: That could've been a good idea... *gets the ChiChi death glare from Nepha* O___O;;; But I'd never do a thing like that!!

"I'm sure he didn't," chuckled Lina. "He's probably just. . .tryin' his hardest to get back here."

Strong coincidence. As she spoke, Nepha and Zelgadis walked out of the woods! Nepha, seeing her mother with Gourry and Lina, ran up to her and hugged her.

Jaime: *as Nepha* Sorry, Mom, didn't screw 'im...

"Nepha, dear, I was so worried about you!" Queen Arial cried.

"I've missed you too, Mom," chuckled Nepha.

Lina: Now kindly let go of my tail.

"Well, this happy reunion is over," Lina smiled. "C'mon, you two, let's go. . ."

As they were starting to walk away, Nepha stopped them.

Jaime: I command you to HALT!

Nepha: Why?

Jaime: ...Just because.

"Wait," she said, "I'd like to come with you."

Looks were exchanged.

"What does your mother think?" questioned Zelgadis.

Gourry: She doesn't think MUCH, if that's what you're thinkin'. *gets hit by a brick* Owwwww...

Nepha: Shut up!

Nepha looked at Arial, who smiled.

"You have to find him, Nepha, and he's obviously not in Feli. You have my permission," she responded.

Xellos: *pops awake* Breaking the Habits of Disobedient Children, Lesson 647,238: let them go off on their own with strange people you've never met!

"That settles it!" Lina smiled. "You're comin' with us, Nepha!"

As they walked off, Zelgadis thought to himself.


Jaime: Awwwwwww. Zel learned a new word.

Woohoo! On the road again, and with a new friend! I wonder what other new and exciting adventures await us ahead. . .

Lina: Does this mean there's MORE?!

To Be Continued!

Gourry: Geez, Jaime, what is it with you and stories?

Jaime: I'm a fanfiction writer, whataya expect?

Nepha: So what are we reading next time?

Jaime: *looks at the cronological order of fics...* QUESTION! Who Could Love A Man of Stone?

*minna sans Jaime groan* Minna: *sans Jaime* Gods save us all!!!

End (for now)!

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